Let Me Tell You a Story
by Kikushi
Summary: "Let me tell you a story. Four days ago I could have told you that Hinata Hyuuga was the sweetest, most innocent girl there ever was. That's because four days ago, my eyeballs hadn't been burned out of their sockets." Rated M for language, crackfic.


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**Let Me Tell You a Story**

By Kikushi

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Let me tell you a story.

I can't say for sure when this story began. Actually, I'm not even sure if anything began _at all_. It's more like it just sort of… happened. Like, poof! Magic! There it is. There _they were_. No beginning, no middle, no end. Even then, back there, as I was er, _lucky_, enough to witness the amazing and totally mind-blowing spectacle, I still kept asking myself, how the hell did it happen? Someone please tell me how the_ freaking hell _it happened. Except, no one can. No one can tell me how it happened since I was the only one there when it happened. So naturally it falls on me to tell this story.

Now I guess it was just some unlikely coincidence that I was in the right place at the right time, and I was the only one in said place during said time. Sadly enough, my tale is the only proof that this _incident_ ever occurred, so you'll just have to take my word for it. After all, when it comes to juicy gossip you can definitely count on me to get my facts straight! And this particular piece of gossip, if anything, is _most certainly_ juicy. Like, totally unbelievably spectacularly _juicy_. So juicy, in fact, that if someone turned this story into a solid rock and squeezed it, it would make juice. Orange juice. Yeah, it is _that _good.

So… where do I begin?

I guess it would be necessary to start with_ him_. Mister Permanent Stick Up His Ass, prodigy of the generation, precious wielder of the Byakugan, the infamous Neji Hyuuga. Ever since Mister Brown-Haired Rapunzel had been promoted to Jonin, it seemed as though he was always, _always_ out on some Ass-Class mission. A and S rank only. A and S, like ASS, except with an extra S. Just like him.

Naturally, with Mister Celibate With His Ass Stick being so darn busy all the time, his poor teammates are left to fend off for themselves on lower rank missions, mostly of the C and B variety. The standard for all Chunin. Yessir, standard missions where we Chunin can all risk our lives in the face of boredom. Yes, _boredom_. As in no-fighting-required spying and information-gathering _hell_. Sure, you get the occasional weirdo who decides he's too good to be followed and maybe even some pathetic amateur ambush attempts if you're lucky, but most of the time the "C and B" variety consists of snobby, upperclass dickless losers who practically throw money in your face to find out if their whores are cheating on some other Mister Rich, Stupid, and Brainless. I mean, _come on_. Tell me Stick Up His Ass isn't having the time of his life actually fighting bad guys and high-ranking ninjas while his teammates are off in shitty Rice Country trying to catch a pair of horny adulterous aristocrats _shagging in bed_. Life is sooo unfair.

So with one member down, Team Gai is reduced to two. This is where culprit-number-one comes in. Rock Lee.

Lee is—

Actually, let's skip over this one. I can go on and on without end about this guy… and not in a particularly good way either. So… moving on.

Long, silky raven hair, healthy rosy cheeks with a pale porcelain-doll's complexion. Seldom talks like a normal human being and instead chooses to mumble and titter behind other people. Speech is deterred by erotic asphyxiation whenever she is within a twenty-feet radius of a certain blonde, ramen-loving idiot. Loves talking to her feet. Well, not really. I mean, I assume that it's me she's speaking to when I talk to her, but since she's always looking down at her sandals one can't be too sure, y'know?

And thus we come to culprit-number-two. Hinata Hyuuga. Cousin of aforementioned Stick Up His Ass (and other names).

Four days ago I could have sat here and told each and every one of you that Hinata Hyuuga was the sweetest, most innocent and precious girl there ever was. That's because four days ago, my eyeballs hadn't been burned out of their sockets by watching her and— gag, gag, excuse me— culprit-number-one go at it in the middle of the forest like they were a pair of endangered bunnies out on a mission to save their species.

That's right— you heard me. Lee and Hinata. Going at it. Like horny bunnies.

Who knew, right?

Well anyway, there you guys have it. That's the story. I absolutely refuse to remember any more of the day my corneas died. I'm still in mourning, okay?

No, really. We should stop talking about this now. I still have to go turn in my report to the Hokage, for crying out loud.

Yup, yup. See ya later.

Huh?

Wait... what did you say? You'll give up your firstborn son and the deed to your house? Well… fine. I suppose I could tell the whole story… _just this once_.

But I won't repeat it for anyone else after this, okay? So you better pay attention!

And you better keep that promise!

. . .

Sigh. Well… here goes. Prepare to be here for a while. Since I'm going to have to relive this nightmare again anyways, I may as well do a good job of it.

So I already began with Mister Rapunzel, and how he was now entirely too high-and-mighty for us of the lower rank. Even on his days off, the bastard refused to train with his Chunin teammates anymore, his bullshit excuse being that he "wanted to focus more on his clan techniques." Did you guys hear that or should I repeat it again? Apparently, Stick Up His Ass lies like a_ rug_. I mean, really? What the hell does he practice when he spars with _me_, then? A cheap imitation of it? The whirligig, perhaps? _Oh, please do forgive me for thinking that you were using the Kaiten just now! I had no idea that you were just practicing the windmill for the upcoming Shinobi Dance Festival._ For someone known as a prodigy, that statement was just plain embarrassing. Frankly, I'm rather surprised that neither one of us dropped dead from the heavy brain damage that his complete bullshit induced.

Prodigy my ass.

Wait. What are we talking about again? Ah, right, right—_ the incident_. Sorry about that. Moving on.

After mentioning High-and-Mighty earlier, I also introduced culprits one and two. And there's me too, of course. But since I don't play that big of a role in all this, we can go ahead and skip my awesome introduction.

So now that we all know those who are directly involved in this little story, you guys are probably thinking, _Damn, what a sick little pervert you are! What the hell were you doing watching those two having sex? Probably not getting any yourself, eh?_

Probably. Let's just say I'm the most unfortunate woman in the whole world whose boyfriend would rather keep a_ fucking stick up his fucking ass instead of fucking his girlfriend_ to oh, I don't know, get rid of the— did I mention it yet?— Stick. Up. His. Ass.

What? You're asking if I'm mad at my boyfriend at the moment? How did you know? I wasn't even being obvious at all or anything…

But, no. Let's rewind for a moment. My tragic little episode of voyeurism was completely, and I repeat, _completely_ unintentional. I swear that if I had a choice back then, I most definitely would have rather used Soshoryu on myself over watching that green-spandex-wearing ninny having sex with anyone. Or anything.

Of course, Lee is a lovable sort of ninny— I say this in the most friend-like manner— and being in his company for so long, as I have, can actually desensitize you to almost any stupidity on the planet. Gai-sensei included. So, in a roundabout way, getting to know Lee is actually helpful in the long run. Plus, he can be a really loyal and devoted friend.

Friend.

Not lover, not sex buddy, not gigolo. Friend.

_For fuck's sake, what was Hinata thinking?_

Sure, I've always known that she preferred the… odd… sort. But Naruto is actually _cool_ now. Village hero and everything. I mean, even back then Naruto hadn't been half as odd as Lee had been. Naruto just had (and still has) some attention problems… and over-confidence problems. But enough about him.

Lee is _just_…

Lee _can't _be…

_Lee_…

Damn it. Let me start over. Sorry, sorry— last time, I promise!

So Tsunade-sama— or shall I say killer-number-one, as I blame her the most for the passing of my late corneas— decided it was high time for another one of those_ can-thou-provest-mine-beloved-doth-not-shag-others_ type of missions. Why, you ask? I don't know. Maybe she was running out of sake money… or maybe she gambled away all of Konoha's funds with her shitty luck. Yeah… you could say I outgrew her.

Anyway, according to killer-number-one, Team Gai was _absolutely_ perfect for the damn mission since spying would be a piece of cake with the Byakugan and the, and I quote, "heavily armed bodyguards of the Daimyo's wife" would be no problem for Lee's quick taijutsu and my heavy artillery.

What. The. Hell.

Does Little Miss Have Sex A Lot take a whole army with her or something whenever she's feeling up to a good shag in the woods with some rich boy? The way I see it, why not just bed up the whole army? Saves a trip and a half. Plus, more satisfaction that way, right?

Right?

Then again, if the Daimyo couldn't get anyone to up and confess that his wife was, indeed, a slut, then it was very likely that Miss Opens Her Legs For Anyone was probably using some sort of way to keep her guards' mouths shut. You thinking what I'm thinking here? Well, let me save you the trouble of introspection and tell you that yes, that was exactly what she'd been doing.

I know, right? Why bother with the other snotty upperclass fellow when she had five young and lithe shinobi— though they were still no match for me and Lee in terms of actual combat— following her around everywhere? If she'd just stuck to her guards, chances are the Daimyo wouldn't have come to suspect her infidelity. Then she could have just continued on cheating away with her five sex slaves, I mean guards, instead of being sent away into a penniless exile. Harsh punishment, right? Well, it was their village's custom. We weren't allowed to interfere.

Okay, going back to Tsunade-sama— so she assigns us, me and Lee, the stupid mission and brings in culprit-number-two to replace Mister Beauty Salon Hairstyle. Basically, the only thing that was really needed here was the Byakugan so it didn't matter much who it was. Besides, we all know that the C and B variety are strictly _Chunin only _and heaven forbid that Pole In His Hole would ever have to do such a boring and degrading mission that would require him to use his precious bloodline Byakugan to spy on some nymphomaniac.

I should also mention that I was made the Team Leader for this dumb mission. Then again, I was sort-of-kind-of glaring high beams of death-and-suffering at the Hokage's forehead by using my then-able corneas to its full intensity. She probably got the hint that I was not at all thrilled. As if being team leader would make up for it. Pfft—

Huh? …What? You say that Hinata is too meek and indecisive and Lee is too rash and often acts before he thinks? Yeah, so what? What does that have to do with me being chosen as Team Leader? My beams of death-and-suffering worked, I tell you!

So we set out for the grand journey— yay, yippee, hooray— and nothing out of the ordinary happened. Lee was being his usual oh so very youthful self while Hinata kept quiet enough to rival the dead. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary.

Wait! Actually…

Now that I think about it, we were probably halfway out of Konoha's massive woodlands, running through the treetops like the badass ninjas we were, when Hinata tripped over _nothing_—

See, she'd been deathly quiet since we set off and I had the feeling that she was trying really hard to prove herself to us. Like, she wanted to do an exceptionally good job since she was with her cousin's teammates and she was standing in for _him,_ the _damn prodigy_ of her own clan for crying out loud. Well, all of this effort to prove herself and whatnot sort of flew out the proverbial window as soon as she forgot that we were, oh I don't know, about fifty feet off the ground and sprinting at probably forty-five miles per hour or more.

So little Hinata's going down, yeah? And I just sort of came to an abrupt stop and stared at her as she was falling, like I couldn't believe my eyes that there was actually a ninja in existence who could fall by simply running. I admit, I was sort of waiting for her to bite the dust and was simultaneously hoping that maybe afterwards we could all just forget about it and move on—

But that was only because I forgot about Mister Green Jeans in my temporary shock, and sure enough, quick as a flash, he had Hinata in his arms and she was blushing like hell as Lee set her down and we all continued on like nothing happened.

Maybe that was the first clue? Though I highly doubt it. I'm probably just grasping at straws here, trying to find a reason to the_ incident_ that will happen later in the damn mission.

Anyway, when it got dark I had my minions set up camp in some shady area of the forest and called it a night. It was a two-day trek to the mission point so all in all, it was about a five-day round-trip. That is, if you include the day of the actual mission also.

So I settled down in my sleeping bag since Lee offered to take the first watch, screaming something about the _fucking fire of youth and how its passionately burning flames ignited his_… what was it? Pants?… or something— whatever it was— and that's why his mind was ever vigilant and yadda, yadda, yadda._ SHUT THE FUCK UP BOWLCUT._

That's when we both kind of noticed Hinata— since it's real easy to just forget that she's there, y'know?— just sitting in a sad little corner and looking like she was about to burst into tears. She had forgotten her sleeping bag. Of course.

Being the chivalrous dork that he sweetly is, Lee gallantly gave up his own since he didn't really need it while he was on watch anyway, and Hinata blushed and stammered some more while mumbling some of that polite refusal nonsense that her clan probably raised her with. It sort of made me wonder what _I _would have done if I'd been the one who offered Hinata my sleeping bag only to receive a_, N-n-no! I-I couldn't possibly! _when we both knew that she was just refusing out of courtesy in order to make me prompt again and practically shove the damn bag in her face and beg her, on my hands and knees, to just take the stupid thing away or I'd die. Who thought up that polite-refusal crap anyway? Seriously. It's got to be the most pointless tongue-wagger in existence:

_Oi, Hinata, you can have my sleeping bag if you want._

_N-n-no! I-I couldn't possibly!_

_Oh. Okay, then. Suit yourself._

Snicker. Snicker. I am horrible, I know. But luckily for Hinata, it wasn't me who offered and insisted. It was Lee. On the other hand, unluckily for me, this was probably important-clue-number-two which I overlooked at the time, much to my own misfortune.

Damn it! How the ruddy hell was I supposed to know that this little scene would lead to… to… to that _horrible, eye-murdering_ incident?

Oh, my life…_ Ugh_… Wait, had there been an-all-important-clue-number-three?

Dare I continue?

Oh, might as well. I _am_ doing this for your firstborn son and house deed, after all. I haven't forgotten about that you know!

So a few hours later Lee woke me up for second watch and I gave him my sleeping bag since there was a Hinata inside his. I noticed that he was a little red in the face and I figured that it was probably because of the cold night air.

Boy, was I wrong.

I didn't even have to wait for a minute when I heard this _moaning _sound. I almost kicked Lee in surprise, 'cause I thought it was some kind of wild animal or something. Well, it turns out that it wasn't a wild animal. But I was _close_.

The moaning came again and this time I was able to trace where the sound was coming from. It was little Hinata, all bundled up and flushed in Lee's sleeping bag. She was panting like crazy and for a second I was worried that she caught a fever from the chill, but then she gasped out, _Naruto-kun!_ in the most horniest voice I have ever heard. Ever.

That's when I realized that sweet, innocent little Hinata-chan was dreaming. As in,_ dreaming_ dreaming. About Naruto.

Yeah, now I knew why Lee woke me up instead. I don't think the poor guy got a wink of sleep at all that night. Actually, I shouldn't talk— I didn't wake Hinata up either. I took second _and_ third watch just for the hell of it. Well, not really. I just didn't want any awkward moments, y'know? I mean, could_ you_ really wake someone up while they were having a steamy wet dream about someone you knew?

_Oi, Hinata, wake up. I know you and dream-Naruto-kun were probably just getting to the good part, but I'm really sleepy here. Can you take third watch now?_

Yeah… I don't think so.

Now, at the time I was all,_ Oh well, it happens to everyone. Guess Hinata's not an exception, _and tried my hardest to block her out. It never occurred to me that this was probably the all-important-clue-number-three: Hinata Hyuuga is incredibly sexually repressed. I'm not all that surprised about this revelation, to tell you the truth. After all, just look at her cousin. Pole In His Hole seems real happy with a celibate lifestyle. Seriously, just ask him about it. Actually, ask _me_ about it. I can go _on and on_.

Oh? I already am?

Well case in point: it's probably a Hyuuga thing. But in Hinata's case, it's even worse since she's _so shy_. I sympathize with her, truly I do. I mean, of course she had to get rid of all that pent up sexual frustration_ somehow_—

But with _Lee_? _Really_? And it couldn't wait 'til we got back to Konoha so they could actually shut a _motherfucking door behind them_?

So that they could spare my eyes? So that they could spare my brain? _Did it ever occur to them that—?_

Okay. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Calm down. Happy thoughts. Alright.

Let's backtrack for a moment since I sort of jumped the gun there. Let's see… where was I?

Oh! The first night! Right, right— so I took second and third watch like the saint I am and when morning came and everyone was all packed up and ready to go, Hinata was apologizing over and over again for not taking a watch and me and Lee were trying very hard not to look at each other 'cause _we knew_. Oh, _we knew_ and she didn't. But Hinata wouldn't shut up about the whole thing so I had to lie to her over and over again about how it had been a great night for stargazing— sorry, I kind of used you here— and how I just wanted to look at the stars forever and ever, the end.

When we finally set out, Hinata was _still _feeling guilty about it so Lee was attempting to cheer her up with some of his dumb speeches about youth that Gai-sensei probably had him memorize as part of their special training together. I wasn't really listening since my ears are so attuned to filtering out their crap but I'm pretty sure it went something like this— _Hinata blah blah blah near approaching your springtime of youth blah blah blah you will soon blossom into a beautiful flower blah blah blah one that will further ignite the fire in your heart into a blazing inferno blah blah blah_ and then some nonsense about a fiery sunset and the deep purple waves of the ocean. Oh, and also— _The lotus of Konoha blooms twice!_

Give me a break. I was seriously considering killing him but Hinata_ was actually laughing_. I mean, at least I think she was laughing. She didn't make a sound since she had a hand covering her mouth— you know, like those frilly little ladies in big gowns and stuff?— but I'm pretty sure that she was amused and not annoyed to death. She didn't have her high beams of death-and-suffering set on high like I did. Actually, scratch that. I don't think Hinata even has something like that.

But should I count this as the fourth clue? It's a pretty big achievement to be _cheered up_ by one of Lee's speeches. I'm not giving the guy a hard time or anything, but come on, have you ever heard him rant? Like seriously, seriously rant? About your blooming flower or whatever?

So while Hinata was busy laughing, giggling, tittering, or whatever the hell her mouth was doing behind that hand, I was there thinking, _Oh my, Hinata-chan is so nice. She's not even telling Lee to shut up at all!_

Yeah, 'cause she had other things in mind, apparently.

… OH GOD, THE IMAGES. MAKE THEM STOP.

I can't do this anymore. Really, I can't. And I'm pretty sure the Hokage is up there, waiting for my mission report—

What? You'll give me your first daughter too? Alright, alright! _Fine!_

When we finally got there the Daimyo— who was not at all bad-looking, let me tell you— was all over us, telling us this little sob-story about how his new, beautiful wife Sayumi or Sayuko or whatever the hell her name was kept coming home later and later each day and _Oh, woe is me, I think I may have a slut on my hands!_

It was really sad since this was all said over a fantastic feast that he had set out for us and _no thanks to him _I couldn't even enjoy a single bite. So after we got the gist of it down— that he basically already knew for sure but wanted some solid proof— we got right down to work. We posed as new house servants while Hinata kept searching the palace for Sayure. Now, we weren't sure what the Daimyo meant by telling us that Sayuzu kept coming home "later and later." But guess what? The little bitch didn't come home _at all_. We had to extend the stupid mission for one entire day!

And this is why I've named Sayuna little miss killer-number-two. If it weren't for her, we could have all made it back to Konoha safely and on time before Hinata's libido exploded. And Green Jeans' too, of course, but I'd just rather not think about him at all. _Ugh_.

And I'd also still have my corneas intact. Not to mention, my deeply traumatized visual receptors wouldn't be undergoing intense mental therapy right now. They've all been afraid to see the light of day ever since _the incident_.

Okay, so we were forced to stay another day, right? We were given guest rooms to sleep in and when morning came, guess what? Poof! Little Miss Fucked All Night magically appeared in her room. Naturally, the Daimyo was very agitated and shit, but she just gave him these wide eyes and went, _Oh, but honey, I've been back in my room since eleven last night. Didn't you hear me come in?_

A slut _and _a liar. The Daimyo really scored big with _her_, didn't he?

Not really.

So the hours passed by and she wasn't really doing anything suspicious. But me and my team were all dreading having to stay yet _another _day so I got this plan in my head to have the Daimyo act like he was going out to some fake council meeting and wouldn't be back home until real late at night. And, heh, it worked like a charm. What can I say? I'm pure genius sometimes.

The little bitch wasted no time at all in sending out a messenger to call up her lover while I waited with the Daimyo outside in the courtyard. The plan was simple; Hinata would use her Byakugan and wait until the two bed buddies were, y'know, _in action _before she and Lee stormed in and tied them up together. If that's not evidence, I don't know _what _is. For my part, I hid the Daimyo outside. It wasn't easy to do either, with all the other servants and shinobi guards running around the place. We were in hiding for a good thirty-five minutes when we heard a scream that could only mean one thing— Lee and Hinata's invasion.

The Daimyo and I took off at a sprint and made our way back inside the palace and violà! Mission success! Although…

While a soap-opera unfolded in front of our eyes (the lover turned out to be the Daimyo's own cousin— gasp!), I couldn't help noticing the faint blush spread out over my teammates' cheeks. Of course, back then I reasoned that it was probably because they'd just stormed in on two people having sex, for goodness' sake. Plus, they actually had to fight and knock out the guards standing outside the doors. So it was nothing more than a little embarrassment and some innocent physical exertion from battle. That's all it was, I thought.

_But was it really? _Or could this possibly be clue-number-five? I'm being totally serious here. The _incident_ really changed my perception of things y'know? Like, I wasn't physically with Lee and Hinata during their Operation: Plug the Hole (cough, cough) since I was too busy hiding the Daimyo from his own people. For all I know, they could have been doing the same thing before I got there. It's not a far-fetched guess at all, considering what I walked in on_ later_.

So. This brings us back to the question: how the hell did it happen?

Well, as much as I've been trying not to think about it, I've thought a lot about it. Here's my theory—

Due to years and years of secretly loving that stupid fool Naruto and being unable to act upon her feelings, Hinata's sexual repression began growing more and more within her subconscious. So like a balloon that you keep inflating with helium, it's bound to burst eventually. After a while, Hinata's, er, _needs_, surpassed subconsciousness and entered the realm of consciousness. Finally aware of her repressed sexual energy but with no outlet to, uh, _dispense it upon_, poor little Hinata-chan resorts to wet dreams and fantasies. Remember clue-number-three? Yup. But wait— that's not all! Oho!_ This fucking mission_ was the real clincher! As Hinata relayed the details to me after the entire debacle, it turns out that she had to _wait and watch_ with her Byakugan as Miss Opens Her Legs A Lot bribed her guards with quick sex so that when her lover finally arrived they'd keep their mouths shut. With Hinata's sexual frustration and stuff, this was probably the last straw.

And yeah,_ it happened_ that night. On our way back to Konoha.

Damn it! I could_ cry _right now… We were _so close_… Only five more hours away from the village gates…

And I _still_ had to see_ IT!_ Why me? Why me? Why WHY _WHY_—?

Huh?… Lee? What about him? … Oh! You mean, what's my theory for _him_? Well that's easy. And so is Lee. End of story.

What? Elaborate? Geez, aren't you supposed to be a genius or something?… _What do you mean it's not good enough? _Why you—!

… Sigh. Okay, okay, fine. Let me think…

Hmmm… Well, here's the best way that I can put it: Lee is sort of like a loud Hinata. Yeah, I know it's an oxymoron but shut up for a minute, sheesh! Frankly, I'm surprised that you're still here. Don't you have better things to do, like being a cloud pervert and leering up at them all day or something? I mean, _her_ I can understand, but_ you_…

Anyway, as I was saying before Mister Lazy Bum interrupted, Lee is like a loud Hinata, minus the shyness. Just as Hinata chases after Naruto, Lee worships the very dust particles that Sakura walks on—

Huh? Yes, _her_. How many Sakuras do you know anyway?_ … Yes, it's fucking "Forehead" I'm talking about, for the fucking last time!_

…Sigh… Oi, Cloudaphilia, control your girlfriend, will you? Unless you'd all rather I just end the story now—

No? Okay, fine. Shut up then.

So, for the_ third_ damn time— speak now or forever hold your peace— Lee is like Hinata. They both worship people who don't even look twice at them. So yes, as horrible and disgusting it is to say it, Lee probably also has… y'know… repressed urges. He _is _a guy too, after all...

Okay, MOVING ON 'cause I don't want to stay on this topic any longer than I really have to!

Yeah, so we're on our way back to Konoha, blah blah blah, and then we set up camp when it got dark— you guys know the drill. And Lee, ever the gentleman, takes up first watch again. Now, if I'd known what would happen as a consequence of this, I would have gladly taken up first, second, _and _third watch. _Gladly_. As in, balloons and streamers and chocolate chip muffins _gladly_. That, or I would've killed Lee. Or Hinata. Or both.

And… and as much as I've been stalling to, y'know, avoid this part, it comes next. Like, right now. Yeahhh…

Do I really have to? I mean, it only happened last night and my eyes are _still_ burning—

Oh, _fine_! _Whatever_. I don't care anymore, really I don't!

So it was probably really late at night or really early in the next day and I woke up 'cause… well… y'know, nature called. When you gotta go, you gotta go. And I_ really_ had to go. I'd love to blame my water supply for my trauma too, but then again it didn't really choose to be drank, y'know? So I guess what happened was also partly my fault, for drinking so much fucking water.

Do I sense a moral here?

Well anyway I got up, even though I was still kind of half-asleep and whatever. But then I looked around, saw nobody, and I thought, _HOLY SHIT! Where the hell is my team?_ and I began panicking so I started thinking crazy crap up like, what if they'd been eaten by wild bears? Or had we been ambushed while I was sleeping? Although that last thought was kind of insulting to me, y'know? I mean, if we _really _had been ambushed, and the uh, what do you call them? Ambushers? If the ambushers decided to leave me behind in their ambush… well… that's really kind of sad. For me. Like, what, I'm not good enough to be ambushed too?

Although considering what really happened, an ambush would've probably been better. Seriously.

So I was panicking and stuff, and I was thinking about yelling out their names or something but the thought that they might actually be in the hands of an enemy sort of stopped me. First things first— can't fight on a full bladder, right? I was cursing the entire time while I was trying to find some nice tall bushes to… uh, _do the deed_, and I found some really nice ones a short walk away from our little campsite. So as I was… y'know… I tried detecting Lee and Hinata's chakra and found that they were really close by where I was taking a… yeah.

When I was finished, I snuck real careful-like to where I felt their presence and I made absolutely sure to hide my chakra. Since Lee can't detect chakras anyway, I had my fingers crossed that Hinata would somehow have her Byakugan activated and know that I was coming to help if they were in a… sticky situation.

Well,_ they were_— but not in the way that I imagined. At all.

As soon as I saw them from where I was hiding, I think I had a small heart attack. Seriously— the moment my eyeballs landed on them, my corneas disintegrated and my brain just went poof! Gone! Teleported to the normal dimension where Hinatas and Lees don't DO each other! And—

—Oh God…. I can still remember it _vividly_—

And there's absolutely NO way I'm going into detail about it. You can cry and scream all you want and beat my sorry ass raw, but you _absolutely can't_ make m—

Huh?… You'll buy me two new summoning scrolls? For real? …Hot dog! One overly detailed and dramatized nightmare coming right up!

So, once again…_ There they were_. I can still remember it vividly—

Hinata with her back arched against the trunk of a tree, her legs bent up between them, feet dangling over Lee's shoulders. Her arms were raised up over her head, holding onto a low branch above her for support as Lee gripped her tightly around the waist and pounded into her with a frighteningly fierce force and sickening speed. Everything about them was _wet, wet, wet_— from the essence of their lovemaking, smothering Hinata's thighs and dripping down her bottom and pooling to the forest floor, to the sweat on their naked bodies, to the drool on their chins. Every thrust sent a torrential rain of Hinata's lust, liquified, spilling forth onto the ground beneath them as the lewd sounds of skin slapping on skin filled the clearing.

And then she was moaning and gasping and so obviously enjoying it by the look— _ahhh! That horrible look!_— on her face, making sounds that anyone of the Hinata-species should never, _ever _make. _Ever_.

And oh my goodness, _Lee_—

Well, let's just say that I will never doubt his fire of youth again. Nor will I ever forget the even more um, _youthful blossom _between his legs. The lotus blooms twice indeed! He's finally beaten Neji at something, I'll give him that.

And then they'd moved down to the forest floor, and just kept going and going, on and on… I thought it'd never end…

Yeah. I'm pretty much scarred for life. I had to wait for them to fucking orgasm before I could make my quick getaway, hoping that they'd be too absorbed in it when they, y'know, _came_ so that they wouldn't notice me running like a motherfucker back to camp, crying my bleeding eyes out from the heavy mental scarring I'd just gotten.

Now would be a good time to make it clear that I absolutely blame _him_ for all of this. Stupid Mister Stick Up His Ass! If only _you'd _gone with us instead of your_ cousin_—!

And obviously, I couldn't go back to sleep _AT ALL_. Who could, after seeing something like _that_? I don't think any of us did any sleeping that night, save for the couple of hours I had before my bladder woke me up—

Actually, scratch that. I did fall asleep again for a little while so I'm not exactly sure what time culprit one and two returned to camp and frankly, I don't really_ want_ to know.

When dawn came, probably thirty minutes after I was able to fall asleep again, my inner clock woke me up _and_, like _magic_, I just found Banana One and Banana Two exactly where they were supposed to be. Hinata was the one awake for "watch" this time and she reasoned that she also took my shift in order to make up for not taking a watch the last time. She looked fairly like her usual self. It was _wonderful_. For one whole minute I was able to convince myself that the _incident _had been nothing more than some kind of convoluted nightmare—

But then I kicked Lee awake, except _he already was_, and the first thing he did was look over at Hinata—

And _she blushed_ when they exchanged this very cheesy not-so-subtle glance with stupid shy smiles on their stupid red faces and suddenly it was all I could do to keep the contents of my stomach from gushing out in green and orange chunks because then I _knew_— Oh, _I knew_ and they didn't— that it hadn't been a convoluted nightmare, after all. And I suppose that they should count themselves lucky that I managed to refrain from outright gagging, otherwise I would have probably aimed for their faces.

I couldn't look at them the rest of the way back. I doubt I'll ever look at them the same way.

So now that you've all heard the story, can I finally lea—?

Hey! Where do_ you_ think you're going?… What? "Open up shop"? What about the house deed and my two new summoning scrolls? And don't you dare forget that you owe me your firstborn son and daughter!

Huh? Their godmother? Hm…. Alright, alright, fine! I'll take it. I can be their godmother instead, but you still owe me a house! And summoning scrolls! Hey—!

… Geez. Look at her go. She's not really going to open up her shop, is she? More like, she's off to spread the story around. Joy.

And what about_ you_? Aren't you going after her?… "Too troublesome"? You lazy ass, she's your g—!

Eh? And what do_ you_ want? I'm still mad at you, you know! I blame YOU the most for all of this! If you hadn't been on one of your precious A-rank missions, you could have come with us instead of Hinata! And— mmmrpghh!

….! If you think one little measly kiss will make me forgive you—!

….!

…. Oh,_ fine_…!

I know it wasn't your fault that you were assigned to the assassination mission…. And, uh… I'm sorry for calling you all those names earlier… I guess I was just mad that I haven't been seeing you lately and you totally blew me off that time to train with your uncle!… And of course, I'm still kind of freaked out about the_ incident—_

Wait, _what_? _You thought I was just making that up because I was mad at you?_ What the hell! Why would I make up something like—?

Hey! Where are _you_ going? … What? To Lee's house? Why—?

Oh. Oh_ shit_.

… You think I should—?

… Nah, you're right. It's too troublesome.

.

.

.

The End.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_Kudos to those who know the teller of the story and the three people she is telling it to._

_A Happy New Year to all— **Kikushi**_


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